Another story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields.
Opportunity
They were just kids. They arrived right on closing time wanting coffees, extra hot, and Gina opened the till for their money.
Darlene waited, wishing they’d leave, worried about her own kids left alone while she worked nights.
Suddenly Gina screamed and clutched her face, dripping coffee, and they clambered over the counter, grabbed fistfuls of cash and ran. Darlene froze, then snapped into action—cold water for the scald; call the police. Then she spotted the open till, the stacks of notes they’d missed.
Nobody would blame her. Nobody would know. For once her rent would be paid on time.
*****
Onto the page 
Temptation. Good story!
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Thank you, Sascha. We can all be tempted, I think.
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I think so, it’s what makes us human.
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This is really good. Our sympathy is with Darene, in spite of her theft, and that’s because you wrote her so clearly. Enjoyed this very much.
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I so appreciate your comment. I really wanted to show that character well. I’ve had this idea, but with more complications, in mind for ages, but never actually wrote it. I thought I’d give it a go here but really struggled to fit it into 100 words. So, in brief, ☺️, thank you for your encouragement.
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The perfect crime – her cover being another verifiable crime!
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Yes. the perfect opportunity for Darlene. She’ll get away with this one, I think.
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Great scenario Margaret. We can all be tempted, but I wonder even with her rent paid, if she will be able to shrug off the guilt?
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A very good point, Iain. Darlene is really part of a bigger story I’ve been pondering for some time, and a guilty conscience after her impulsive actions at the deli is a definite possibility.
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Super twist at the end of the story, with good foreshadowing that doesn’t give the game away. As Linda says, your description of Darlene is well written to engage our sympathy, being competent, hard-working and a single mum struggling to bring up children. You crammed a great deal into your 100 words!
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Thank you, Penny. You can tell by how late my story was posted that it didn’t come easily. I felt like I was trying to cram details into a sausage skin because it started as a more complex idea. The final story had a lot of trimming so I’m happy it works.
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Dear Margaret,
What a story in only 100 words! I could see it all. You’ve conveyed the complexity of Darlene’s character and situation in a compact space. Well done.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Thank you, Rochelle. I very nearly gave up on this one. And by the time I had it down to the word length I was so sick of redoing it that I couldn’t tell if it had any merit at all. You get a bit numb to a story at that stage, at least I do. I had to forget about it for a day and then I just posted it and hoped for the best. I’m feeling relieved that it seems to work.
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Desperate situations can lead to desperate measures. One problem is solved but it could lead to another. Excellent Margaret.
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That’s so true. We make poor choices when we’re feeling trapped and desperate. Thank you for reading and commenting, Keith.
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You made her sound like a nice woman. I couldn’t bring myself to judge her. Well done.
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That’s good. Thanks, Sandra.
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I know what she did was wrong, but I couldn’t blame her either. Nicely done, Margaret.
Susan A Eames at
Travel, Fiction and Photos
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I’m thinking Darlene would be glad she’s only in a hundred word story – she’ll never have to find out what the consequences of her crime might be. Thanks for your comment, Susan.
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Wonderfully done, Margaret! Everyone said it. You’ve got me turning a blind eye to Darlene’s taking advantage of an opportunity.
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Thank you, Dale. Darlene’s a very mild example of something I’ve been thinking about lately in terms of character building – how to show the potential for both good and bad, or how to show character flaws and still keep the reader’s connection with the character.
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smarter then the thieves
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She is. The thieves really bungled the job.
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