Opportunity

Another story for Friday Fictioneers, hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields.

Photo prompt by Jean L. Hays

Opportunity

They were just kids. They arrived right on closing time wanting coffees, extra hot, and Gina opened the till for their money.

Darlene waited, wishing they’d leave, worried about her own kids left alone while she worked nights.

Suddenly Gina screamed and clutched her face, dripping coffee, and they clambered over the counter, grabbed fistfuls of cash and ran. Darlene froze, then snapped into action—cold water for the scald; call the police. Then she spotted the open till, the stacks of notes they’d missed.

Nobody would blame her. Nobody would know. For once her rent would be paid on time.

*****


23 thoughts on “Opportunity

    • I so appreciate your comment. I really wanted to show that character well. I’ve had this idea, but with more complications, in mind for ages, but never actually wrote it. I thought I’d give it a go here but really struggled to fit it into 100 words. So, in brief, ☺️, thank you for your encouragement.

      Liked by 1 person

    • A very good point, Iain. Darlene is really part of a bigger story I’ve been pondering for some time, and a guilty conscience after her impulsive actions at the deli is a definite possibility.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Super twist at the end of the story, with good foreshadowing that doesn’t give the game away. As Linda says, your description of Darlene is well written to engage our sympathy, being competent, hard-working and a single mum struggling to bring up children. You crammed a great deal into your 100 words!

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    • Thank you, Penny. You can tell by how late my story was posted that it didn’t come easily. I felt like I was trying to cram details into a sausage skin because it started as a more complex idea. The final story had a lot of trimming so I’m happy it works.

      Like

  2. Dear Margaret,

    What a story in only 100 words! I could see it all. You’ve conveyed the complexity of Darlene’s character and situation in a compact space. Well done.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

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    • Thank you, Rochelle. I very nearly gave up on this one. And by the time I had it down to the word length I was so sick of redoing it that I couldn’t tell if it had any merit at all. You get a bit numb to a story at that stage, at least I do. I had to forget about it for a day and then I just posted it and hoped for the best. I’m feeling relieved that it seems to work.

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    • I’m thinking Darlene would be glad she’s only in a hundred word story – she’ll never have to find out what the consequences of her crime might be. Thanks for your comment, Susan.

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    • Thank you, Dale. Darlene’s a very mild example of something I’ve been thinking about lately in terms of character building – how to show the potential for both good and bad, or how to show character flaws and still keep the reader’s connection with the character.

      Liked by 1 person

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